Week 24 - Conversation as Practice

BEING WITH SOUNDS AND THOUGHTS

Sounds and thoughts share many characteristics. We have no control

of either—a door slams, the neighbour’s little boy

jumps up and down in the apartment above, or a car

alarm shrieks on and on ... perhaps the strains of a song

from your past drift in at the window. Some sounds are

fleeting; others are not. They can make us angry,

frustrated, or maybe nostalgic or happy.

As these emotions arise we may notice how the body responds: a clenching of the stomach, a tightness in the shoulders, a prickle behind the eyes, a rising smile. We are interested in noticing our entire experience.

It is fruitless to try to stop thinking or hearing, so instead we can learn to let thoughts and sounds arise and go without getting hooked by them. When we practice it is helpful to learn to let go of all thoughts and sounds (those we like as well as those we don't). It is easier to learn skills with something that is not emotionally charged.

Variation

Take out the "sounds" element of this practice and do it outside in a more informal way.

1  Take your seat and spend a few minutes settling your attention on the breath and body (see page
70).

2   When you are ready, expand your attention to become aware of any sounds. The sound of your breath entering and leaving the body may still be present, along with sounds from farther away. Your awareness is like a radar. There is no need to go hunting for sounds—simply allow yourself to receive any that come your way.

3   Experience any sound simply as a collection of notes at a particular pitch, tone and timbre. Notice your own response: is it one of liking or of pushing away? What do you notice in the body when a particular sound arises?

4  When you notice yourself getting caught up in a story about a sound, at the moment of realisation acknowledge it and refocus your attention on receiving all sounds. (It can be helpful to bring your attention back to the breath initially and then widen the awareness once more.)

5   Continue in this way for 5 minutes or so.

6   When you feel ready, let go of the sounds and allow your thoughts to take centre stage. What do you notice when you make this invitation? Often our thoughts become shy and scuttle off into the shadows!

7  We are practicing seeing our thoughts simply as passing events—like sounds that arise, becoming louder before they fade away. We may not like them, but we can't control them so we might as well acknowledge them since they are present anyway.

8   We are not trying to stop thinking. We are practicing not getting caught up in a particular thought story. Of course thoughts will occur, and when they do we acknowledge them as "thinking" and watch them arise, proliferate, and fade.

9   Some thoughts are "stickier" than others, but the instruction remains the same.

10   We can see our thoughts as:

• Passing clouds—some heavy and dark, others wispy, or soft and fluffy.

• Buses (a more urban image): imagine waiting at the bus stop and seeing buses ("thoughts") come and go, maybe singly or sometimes in groups. From time to time you may find you've jumped on a "thought" bus without being aware of it. If that happens, acknowledge it and just "jump off" again!

• Imagine yourself sitting in a movie theatre or playhouse, with your thoughts being enacted on the stage or screen. Sometimes you may be totally wrapped up in what is unfolding—your heart pounding, your hands gripping the seat—but when you realise this, remind yourself that you are simply watching players on a stage

11 Remember that you can use your breath as an anchor at any time. Often it's useful after disengaging from a particular story to come back to a clear point of focus, such as the felt sense of breath.

12 When you are ready to finish, bring your attention back to the breath for a moment or two to conclude the practice.

LEARNING TAKES TIME

Be patient! Being with our thoughts
in this way is always challenging.
We've spent our lives chasing our
thought stories, so learning a different way of being takes time and
is difficult. It is important to
acknowledge that if you find yourself
judging your thinking mind.

Week 24 Activity

CONVERSATION AS PRACTICE

Our brain is constantly receiving and interpreting

information. However, the mood we are in affects the spin

we put on our experience, and our thoughts will also affect

the stories we tell ourselves.

When we are feeling down or stressed, we are more likely to focus only on evidence that supports a negative story, discarding any information that might disprove it. If our interpretation can be so easily skewed by our mood, how can we ensure that what we hear someone saying to us is what they really mean? Conversation as Practice is an opportunity to do just that.

A crucial part of this practice is Listening Mindfully, so it's helpful if you have become familiar with that first and have practiced the wider awareness of noticing what you are experiencing in the body as you listen (see page 46).

In Conversation as Practice we listen mindfully and at the same time maintain a wider awareness of what we are experiencing in the body. When the speaker has finished, we reflect back to them what we think they have said. We can use phrases such as:

"Can I Just check I've understood you correctly ...?"
“So what you are saying is ... is that right?”

It's important to create the opportunity for the speaker to correct any misunderstandings or misrepresentations on the part of the listener, and there may be a bit of mindful back and forth before the speaker is happy that what they have said has been understood as they intended.

Conversation as Practice can feel clunky at first. You may want to have a go with friends and family, or you can explore practicing it without anyone being aware you are doing so.

There are three parts to Conversation as Practice:

1   Listen mindfully.

2  Maintain awareness of your own felt experience in the body.

3   Reflect what you have heard and be willing to have it corrected.

Move back and forth between them, rather than tackling them sequentially.

Week 25 - Exploring the Wanting Creature

Week 25 Activity

EXPLORING THE WANTING CREATURE

The desire to have something, whether it is a second

helping at dinner or the latest gadget, can be very

powerful. I like to imagine it as a slumbering creature

curled up contentedly until desire wakens it and it

roars into being.

This is the perfect opportunity to explore what "wanting" really feels like. Where do we notice it in the body, what thoughts are we aware of, and are there any emotions present? What motivates and drives the Wanting Creature? How do we feel afterward if we allow the Wanting Creature to get its way? How long does the enjoyment last? What do we notice then in the head, heart, and body?

As always, the key word here is Curiosity!

Exploring the Wanting Creature can happen on many different levels. For example, we often eat without awareness—reaching for that slice of cake or second helping while on autopilot. The invitation here is to bring that moment of impulse into awareness: to explore what it feels like in the body and notice any accompanying thoughts or emotions. Decide whether you are really hungry or whether the impulse might derive from boredom or something else. Be curious, You may still decide to have the cake or the second helping, but you will be choosing to do so intentionally.

If, after consideration, you decide to have the treat, eat it mindfully rather than allowing the experience to be tarnished by judging thoughts, guilt, and shame. If you eat it and notice that actually you already had enough and now you feel uncomfortably full, pay attention so that next time you can add that information to the decision-making process.

You can follow this process with many different moments of impulse: reaching for the next glass of wine, buying that top you don't really need, checking Facebook or Twitter, opening your email program ... Pay attention before, during and after any actions that arise without clear intention.

Week 26 - Halfway Review

HALFWAY REVIEW

If you have been following the suggestions week by week,

you will now have reached a point where it is worth

reflecting on your experience—without judging it, but

simply to gather information to guide you.

You may feel that you have not been as diligent as you intended at the start, but how often do things go exactly to plan? However your practice has been, there is benefit to be gained from taking stock of what you have noticed.

TRY THIS 
Take some time to settle into Watching the Breath (see page 26). When you feel ready, silently ask, "What am I learning?" Let the phrase go without any expectation of receiving something particular back. Repeat it every so often, tuning into your experience and noticing any resonance—there may be nothing or you may notice fragments of images or felt sensations. Just be open to whatever might arise. You can choose alternative phrases if you like, such as "What am I noticing?" or anything else that feels appropriate.

Continue for at least 10 minutes and conclude your practice by coming back to the breath for a moment or two.

When you have finished, use these pages to reflect on what came up for you. Perhaps begin by writing the phrase you used, for example—"What am I learning? I am learning ..."—and then see what comes up. Write without editing or worrying about spelling or grammar; simply explore what came up for you.

Finally, write a sentence about how you would like to approach the next period of practice, is there anything you would like to do differently?

Week 27 - Exploring Resistance

SUFFERING CAN BE OPTIONAL

Pain, whether physical or psychological, is an unavoidable

part of the human condition. We can't stop it arising. That

is the first dart or arrow. Suffering, on the other hand—the

second dart or arrow—is the result of our resistance to

experiencing pain.

Our resistance can take the form of thoughts about the pain: "If this doesn't get better I'm not going to be able to go back to work ... my sick leave is running out ... my health insurance won't pay for more treatment ... how will I meet the mortgage next month ... I'll lose my home as well as my job," and so on. Such thoughts explode into a plethora of "what ifs" that create associated emotions such as fear, anger, and frustration as well as the physical sensations (clenched fists or jaw, cramps in the stomach, and so on) that are associated with those emotions. These are very unpleasant, and may lead to us experiencing thoughts about the unpleasant feelings themselves:"! shouldn't be feeling like this; I should be able to handle this; I'm such a loser that I'm feeling this way." And so the cycle continues.

Resistance may also take the form of tension around the discomfort—bracing oneself physically against our internal experience.

Acknowledging that we have the power to do something different can be liberating, since we often feel more stressed when things feel out of our control, but it can also be frightening. It can be easier to stay with what is familiar to us, however unpleasant. It can be easier to absolve ourselves of all responsibility about our experience and just give into it "because it's not my fault and there is nothing I can do." Unfortunately, this path is one of unnecessary suffering.

WHAT CAN WE DO?

• We can learn to notice the particular song of repetitive emotions that is playing in our mind. What is number one on today's hit parade? Acknowledging the story is essential.

• We can bring humour to our experience, to give us perspective, allowing us to become less caught up in it.

• We can use the skills learned through practising Mindfulness of Breath and Body (see page 70) and bring our attention to our breath as well as any physical sensations arising out of the experience. When we bring our attention to a physical focus we let go of our thoughts (and we will have to do this repeatedly).

• We can use the experience as an opportunity to practice Being with the Difficult (see page 128).

Whatever we decide to do, it is important that we let go of any desire to make our experience better—to seek a particular outcome. We can't do anything about the physical pain, the grief, the loss, or whatever form the first dart takes; instead we are learning to be with it rather than resist it and so create additional suffering.

Week 27 Activity

EXPLORING RESISTANCE

When we practice mindfulness we are interested in

exploring ALL states of mind. Suffering arises because we

want something to be different, and we don't like what we

are experiencing in the present moment (this might be an

internal or external experience).

Because that sense of "not liking," "not wanting," "resisting," and "pushing away" are all powerful emotions, they are often associated with strong physical sensations. The body braces itself against the resistance, tightening and tensing up. This felt sensation can give us an important early clue that we don't like something. Once we've been alerted that resistance is present, we can then widen our beam of awareness to include our thoughts and emotions.

This week, pay attention to moments when you are resisting your experience. It may be when you are on a crowded commuter train, sitting down to practice, eating something you dislike, or tackling a particular job you've been avoiding —we are rarely short of opportunities to face resistance!

Tune into the body. What do you notice?

Tune into your thinking. What do you notice?

Tune into your emotions. What do you notice?

It's important to approach this activity with an attitude of curiosity, and without judging what you notice. The resistance is present, so resisting the resistance is counterproductive. Instead, we want to move in closer to it, approaching it with an attitude of friendly interest and without any hidden agenda of wanting it go away.

Move in closer to the sense of avoidance. Where are you feeling it? Is it moving around or staying

still? How would you describe the sensations? If you try not to experience it—if you suppress it or push it away—what happens?

You may want to pay particular attention to the out-breath, and perhaps repeat silently to yourself, "It's okay—let me feel it." By doing this you are not saying that -whatever is happening is okay—sometimes it is not—but you are honouring your response to it, and how you are feeling. These sensations and emotions are present, even if we don't like them and wish they were not.

Make a note of your experience of resistance, avoidance, not liking, not wanting, pushing away ... How many different types can you identify? Notice whether different types of resistance create a different felt experience?

Week 28 - Blue Sky is Always There

I was on retreat in north Wales. It had rained for several

days and the cloud hung heavy, shrouding the mountains

of Snowdonia. As I was doing walking practice outside I

raised my eyes to the sky and the dark clouds parted. A

bright blue streak of sky was visible for a moment before

being covered by cloud once more. In that moment I was

reminded that the sky is always blue, regardless of any

weather that might obscure it temporarily. Can we see

what happens to us as simply weather in our sky?

Describe the weather of your mood in this moment, right now, in words, pictures, images, or shapes. Don't think about it, just put down what comes to you in this moment, without trying to make sense of it.

Notice the language you are using and remember that weather is transient and ever-changing and so "low mood is here" is a more accurate "weather" description than "I am low" which feels fixed and permanent. Paying attention to the words you use can give helpful feedback. Experiment with how you describe your moods and notice how that makes you feel.

Week 29 - Acceptance

MOVING TOWARD ACCEPTANCE

For many people, "acceptance" implies giving up, a sense of

resignation. Acceptance in mindfulness is different: it is

deliberate and active, without the unconscious and passive

quality of autopilot (see page 34).

Moving toward acceptance is about taking baby steps. In our mindfulness practice the first step of acceptance is acknowledgement of what is (sometimes that is all we can do). Many of us spend a lot of time and energy wishing things were different. Yet if we are not willing to acknowledge how things really are—even if we don't like them—how can we make an informed decision on what to do next? We can determine what is best to do next only if we really know where we are.

HOW WOULD IT FEEL IF WE STOPPED FIGHTING

AGAINST OR RESISTING THE WAY THINGS REALLY ARE?

When we meditate, we explore accepting what is by turning toward it, bringing an attitude of curiosity and interest to the experience. We investigate whether it is possible to relate to it differently from usual. We practice this first on the small discomforts that commonly arise when we sit and meditate—the pins and needles or the itch on our nose—and gradually build up the skill and confidence to apply it when more challenging situations arise.

We can experiment with various options that can bring space to the experience:

1 We can breathe into the discomfort, imagining the breath entering and leaving the body in a narrow beam directed toward the uncomfortable sensation.

2 We can keep our attention focused on the breath in the torso (specifically the belly or the chest), but at the same time maintain an awareness of the discomfort. We breathe with it.

3 We can move in a little closer to the sensation to explore it in greater depth. What shape is it? Does it move around or is it constant and still? How would you describe it?

Whatever we choose to do, it is important to let go of any expectation that the sensation will go away. We are deliberately allowing the sensation to be experienced rather than resisting it or attempting to create an alternative. We are noticing how we relate to the unfolding experience, becoming aware, for example, if there is a tightening or tensing around the sensation, if we are bracing against it. If there is, we acknowledge it. It can be helpful to repeat silently "It's okay, it's okay, let me feel it."

In everyday life we are constantly judging our experience as good, bad, or neutral. If we can bring this pivotal moment into awareness, we can choose what we want to do next. We can choose to move into approach rather than avoidance mode, knowing that by doing so we are engaging the higher executive functions of the pre-frontal cortex rather than the more primitive areas of the brain, which are governed by fearful thinking. Which mode of operating do you think is more helpful in daily life?

Approach mode involves not gritting our teeth and bracing ourselves, but rather acknowledging how we are thinking and feeling emotionally and physically and breathing with it. We allow all that to be present in our experience as we observe it and our relationship to it.

The root of the word "acceptance" is to accept, that is to receive, so there is an element of consent or agreement. We often tune out of things we don't like, and get through as best we can. However the attitude we bring to an activity can transform it. If we can experiment with deliberately engaging with the activity itself and how we relate to it, we may discover all kinds of things. Try it and see.

There are various opportunities in the activities to explore our own experience of resistance and its opposite, acceptance, as well as ways we can begin to relate differently to these states of mind.

Week 29 Activity

WHAT DOES ACCEPTANCE MEAN FOR ME?

Acceptance can seem too much to ask sometimes, but

we can explore what it means to us in terms of emotions

and sensations and then play with the idea of

acceptance in our practice.

Sit and take a few minutes to connect with the breath and the body (see page 70, second sheet onwards). Then bring to mind a time when you experienced acceptance. Perhaps you were accepted by another person, or perhaps you accepted a situation or a sensation. Holding this memory in awareness, explore the felt sensations of the experience. How would you describe them? What words or images come to mind? Just notice and observe, without judging what is arising. When you feel ready, record your experience in whatever way feels right for you— single words, descriptions, or pictures.

Sometimes when we do this we may notice the opposite of acceptance, resistance. That too is worthy of exploration (see page 116).

Does acceptance feel possible for you? You may want to write down some ideas about how you could explore introducing acceptance into your practice and everyday life.

Week 30 - Coping Space

When things are difficult, we are not always able to do

something like taking ourselves off for a walk or calling

a friend. However, we can always do a Breathing Space

(see page 88) with an extra step—a Coping Space.

We introduced The Breathing Space in Week 20, and by now I hope you have had a chance to familiarise yourself with it and use it regularly. The Coping Space follows the same structure, but we introduce a self-soothing element to step 2. After acknowledging how you are feeling, bring your attention to your breathing and repeat silently to yourself "It's okay."

When we do this, we are not saying that the situation is okay—it may well not be—but rather accepting that whatever we feel is okay. It is our experience, even if we wish it weren't.

As well as repeating the words, you could place a hand on your chest or cross your arms paying attention to any points of contact. Practice the Coping Space any time this week when things feel a bit tricky. Practice it without any expectations.